Thank you for all of your wonderful emails. They’ve truly filled my heart with gladness. Sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't be even more wonderful (as if that were possible!) if you had a bit more time to shape and hone them. But, I imagine you don't, as no doubt your life is a busy one, what with so many abortion clinics to plan to bomb and non-citizens to project all your unresolved fears onto. Who has time to write a decent hatemail?!
That’s where I come in. Being a writer myself and the bleeding heart you’ve told me I am, I had to offer some help. I took it upon myself to create a tool for you, the busy hatemailer. It’s called a Mad-As-Hell Lib and is sure to save you precious minutes. It’s just like the Mad Libs of old, only madder! All you have to do is cut and paste the following in the body of an email, follow a few simple instructions as you plug in a word or two here and there, find an unwitting target, and hit send. Then, presto, you’re a hatemailing bad-ass out the door to your next “How to Get Your Latest Manifesto Published without an Agent” class!
I offer this one-slur-fits-all Mad-As-Hell Lib in the same generous spirit as your emails, but with a just a teensy bit less heart attack-inducing verve. I hope it helps.
Sincerely,
Carol Norris
________________________________________________________________________
Instructions: Fill in the blanks and follow specific instructions as they appear. Misspelling is encouraged, yet optional, except where noted. Frothing is highly recommended as it is typically an excellent mood setter.
(Respectful salutation) (Recipient’s name),*
You (favorite expletive) (outdated McCarthy-esque colloquialism for “Communist”), (reference to religious figure or religion other than Christianity. must be misspelled)-loving, (synonym for ugly), (if recipient is a woman: reference to being undersexed, undesirable and/or aging), (second favorite expletive), (synonym for drug addict), (homophobic slur), (synonym for overweight), (pejorative noun for female/male body part). Don’t you know that (unsubstantiated/patently false “fact” about Iraq/Saddam Hussein/9.11)??
You obviously hate (one-word jingoistic noun, such as “freedom” or “America"). Why don’t you go (verb phrase alluding to sexual act with self, farm animal, Saddam Hussein, and/or the random terrorist), you (run of the mill expletive), (homophobic slur), and then do real Americans a favor and move to (Axis of Evil country and/or Cuba or France) where they all (next door neighbor’s favorite expletive) (reference to incest) and (reference to eating beloved house pets). You and the other (free-associated, many-lined string of expletives. Really let your imagination run wild here. To keep the reader interested, try using compound expletives like “fuckwad” and “dildohead.” “Motherfucker” is well-worn and suggests laziness, so try to use this only occasionally. THIS IS A TERRIFIC PLACE TO CAPITALIZE EVERY WORD and randomize or completely ignore punctuation.) (no choice here – must insert the word “Clinton")- lovers are a bunch of (not to supersede your fill-in-the-blank creative instincts, but again, no choice, must insert “evil”) (synonym for person with mental health issues).
If
I knew where you lived, I’d take my (favorite, now legal, personal-use
automatic weapon with the most rounds) and blow your (expletive) (body
part(s)) off and (exquisitely detailed explanation of disrespectful
body disposal). But, I sleep well knowing God (Christian god only)
will (verb phrase for “kick your ass”). May you rot in hell, (length
of time. Most effective if you make it a really long time, as “until next
Tuesday” belies less-than frenzied vitriol, weakening your message) you
(homophobic slur + bitch/bastard).
(If time permits, repeat paragraphs ad nauseam, varying and/or rearranging expletives to show your range of composition skills.)
(Insert favorite childhood Triple Dog Dare to recipient to reply, here. Resend countless times with increasingly taunting subject line if you get no response.)
(Most powerful sign off invokes the blessing of the Christian God, George W. Bush, or combines the two. Best to confuse the two. Secular well wishes are much less effective),
(Full
name), (no choice, must use the word “patriot” or some variation)
(Title(s), if any)
(city of birth, plus proud reference to being a natural born U.S. citizen)
(years as taxpayer)
(landmail address)
(email address)
Bonus Idea: If you need to send something in a pinch, try this: Shoot off a quickie using the word “fuck” as every part of speech. Use all caps; it’s meaner and makes the recipient’s “little voice” in his or her head shout your message. Example: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FUCKIN’ FUCK?!?!?! FUCK YOU!
*Please note: this Mad-As-Hell Lib represents an amalgam of received
hatemails. However, the grammatical correctness seen here is used for
instructional purposes only and in no way accurately portrays actual hatemails.
If time and creativity permit, recreate this form using your own run-on
sentences and non-sequiturs for the most realistic effect. To that end,
non-linear, irrational thinking is strongly encouraged. Going
irretrievably and inexplicably off message is optimal. You’re limited only by
the extent of your free-floating hatred and the number of sick days, late
nights, and weekends you have left to hunker down in front of your computer
spreading it around.
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