First published December 2002
The current administration is looking for qualified applicants to fill positions in its new agencies, departments, task forces, offices, appointments, organizations and bureaus spawned from the war on terror. (No. Of course this is not big government. We are a Republican administration. We call it: Operation Never-Ending Small Government.)
Qualifications
- Aging white men, responsible for an assortment of wrongdoings and misconduct in former administrations given top priority.
- Persons convicted of multiple felons involving, say, illegal arm sales to foreign guerillas, let off on technicalities; those involved in egregious corporate transgressions; and human rights violators and individuals considered war criminals by many at home and abroad who were once integral in the preemptive “secret” bombing and killing of millions of civilians in a country in Southeast Asia or in a deadly South American coup that happened on another tragic September 11th in 1973 are welcome to apply. Misdemeanors okay, too.
- A proven track record of lying to/withholding information from/misleading Congress and the American people in the name of national security (or not), a huge plus. Willingness to continue doing so is extremely desirable.
- References from current or past foreign dictators and Geedubya’s daddy favorably received. (An Axis of Evil leader’s recommendation acceptable. If US corporations find it kosher to continue doing business with these anointed evildoers, that’s good enough for us.)
- Established, direct ties to industry an absolute must.
- Ability to work shredder and delete button on computer required.
- Space in private home to store sensitive, sought-after governmental documents from past administrations puts you at a real advantage.
- Your conflict of interest is not a conflict for us.
Salary
Commensurate with what we can get away with. While Bush just limited
federal employee raises (below what Congress asked for), he has now
reinstituted cash bonuses for political appointees. This practice was
phased out at the end of Bush Sr.’s tenure due to questions of abuse
and of rewarding political loyalty. But like the daily resurrection of
other long-gone, dearly departed policies, practices and people revived
in this administration: it’s back.
A Justice Department memorandum explains that the bonuses "will be
limited to truly outstanding performance that contributes directly to
achieving the president's and the attorney general's national goals and
objectives." So, just play nice with John and George and you’re golden.
Literally.
Perks
Unparalleled power veiled in a cloak of secrecy. We’re in the process
of eviscerating the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). Sshhh. It’s a
secret. We know what a great tool it is for the American people to use
to find out what we’re up to. And we don’t particularly want people to
know these things. So back in October 2001, Ashcroft assured agency
heads that the Justice Department would back any FOIA denials they made
to the public. Then White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card gave
instructions in a March 2002 memo that agencies should restrict access
to “sensitive but unclassified” information requested through the FOIA.
“Sensitive” is a boundless umbrella. Already this has resulted in the
deletion of over 6,000 Pentagon documents. And there are more deletions
on the way, to be sure. And now the recently passed Homeland Security
bill includes a provision that lets agencies exempt themselves from
certain FOIA requests without any judicial review. So, there are almost
no checks and balances in place.
Cloak of disinformation. It’s true that Rumsfeld’s Office of
Strategic Influence was shut down after public outcry about an office
whose blatant purpose was to generate disinformation and propaganda
abroad and at home. But, this fall he created a new position: Deputy
Undersecretary for Special Plans. “Special plans” are deception
operations that control public information. So, basically these special
plans will do what the Office of Strategic Influence was to do under a
different guise.
We do that all the time: change the name of something objectionable so
the American people will think the objectionable thing has gone away.
But we really keep it and repackage it under a new, obfuscated,
sanitized name. Remember the School of the Americas and the Department
of War? Still here. Same objectives. New names. (Corporations who have
gotten bad press do that, too. Lawsuit-ridden Philip Morriswill soon be
the benign Altria Group, Inc.)
If you want a perk we haven’t mentioned just let us know and we’ll get
it for you by burying it deep in the pages of a long-winded bill, like
we just did for our good friends at Eli Lilly & Co. We slid in some
language in the midst of a domestic security bill that Bush just signed
making Lilly all-but impervious to lawsuits regarding a preservative in
its vaccines that many claim causes autism. At first glance, this
clause may not seem to have a thing in the world to do with national
security. Just trust us.
The fact that Bush I sat on Lilly’s board in the 70’s, and White House
budget director, Mitchell Daniels, is a former Lilly exec, and that
Lilly contributes more to political campaigns than any other
pharmaceutical company, and this past summer Bush appointed Sidney
Taurel, Lilly’s Chairman and CEO, to the Homeland Security Advisory
Council is, needless to say, immaterial.
We also slid in additional perks for other industry people, like the
secrecy clauses that will make it a lot harder for people to get
information about the dangerous chemicals that might be near their
homes. We know congresspersons don’t often read through all the pages
upon pages of all those tiresome bills.
But, somebody caught the Lilly clause. And currently nobody will claim
ownership. Apparently, in America we can pass laws without lawmakers
completely reading them and understanding their full consequences to
the American people, and without anybody having to take responsibility
for them. (Another perk.)
Soon the question of who authored and inserted this clause will fade
away like the lawsuit to obtain documents about Cheney’s energy task
force and its meetings with lobbyists and industry executives; outrage
about corporate scandals; urgency to find Osama bin Laden; concern
about rebuilding Afghanistan; and the memory of Bush’s dubious military
record. It’s a good thing the American people have a mercifully short
memory. We are getting away with things we could only imagine in our
wildest dreams just a couple of years ago. (A colossal perk.)
The US Government Is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
Unless you are those translators we let go. We are painfully short on
people who can translate Middle Eastern languages and we said we
desperately, desperately need them to help fight the war on terror. But
they were, well…you know…(g-a-y)…and we don’t want to win our terror
war THAT bad.
And we also don’t employ too many women or people of color – except
those high profile few we can keep in our pockets like Condi and Colin
and Katherine. (Yes, the people elected Ms. Harris. But we recently
named this freshman congressperson Assistant Majority Whip because she
was just an absolute peach during the 2000 election in Florida.)
You also probably need not bother applying if you aren’t rich. Almost
every one of our upper-level appointees are multi-millionaires. And
finally, all you thousands of people we just canned from the federal
jobs we are privatizing to help out our industry friends absolutely
need not apply. No exceptions.
If interested please send resume, organization memberships, voting
record, schools attended, all websites visited, email content and
address book, DVDs rented, medical history, religious affiliation, CD
purchases, book purchases, protest and activist history, library
transactions, grocery list, content of questionable and not-so
questionable telephone conversations, ATM/banking transactions, travel
history, and all credit card transactions to…
…never mind. We already have them.
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