In Session with Arnold*

Most Recent Psychotherapy Note

Arnold  S. NOTE - 13 September

Arnold phoned excited to tell me about his new plan to help Katrina refugees.  He said he is going to offer space in his fleet of Hummers for people to stay.  The best part, he said, is he's only going to charge $44,500 an hour, half of what he usually charges for an hour of his time.  "I dare you to say I'm not the People's Governor now," he laughed.

(To eavesdrop on more of Arnold's sessions, click below. If you're already inside, yeah, look down.)

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Notes Start Here

PSYCHOTHERAPY QUERY LOG - 2 MARCH

A woman named Maria S. phoned and left a tearful message, “I can’t take it anymore.  I’ve had to put up with years and years of my husband’s groping and philandering and sexually harassing women.  But this is the last straw - I just caught him in bed with a whole group of California big business people.  And none of them were using condoms. We need to either come in for couple’s therapy or he needs to come in and see you alone and work some of this stuff through.  I need you; the state of California needs you.  Please help us!”

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Arnold S. NOTE - 5 March

After getting Maria S.' distressed call, I spoke with her and we both decided it would be best to first see her husband, Arnold S. individually.  He and I have spoken several times, and he keeps making appointments and effusive promises to show up and start “turning things around,” but continues to renege on those promises.  He's canceled his first three sessions due to “unavoidable fundraising.”

When we finally meet, as part of his initial mental status exam explore how he sees his 24/7 fundraising as different from Gray Davis’ 24/7 fundraising.

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Arnold S. NOTE - 15 March

Arnold again cancelled our initial appointment because while walking down the capitol steps he slipped on a discarded copy of his Recall stump speech where he promised to be “the people’s governor.”  He had to go to the hospital as he figured he broke his ankle.  He said the triage nurse looked at her chart and said, “Well, shucks. We'd love to help you; we would.  But, while we know you find emergencies pretty readily, we just don’t find your case to be one. It’s just as well; it seems that helping you, Mr. Schwarzenegger, isn’t particularly a ‘special interest’ of any of the nursing staff.  I think you’d be much better served if you wrapped up that ankle with a dressing of cushy corporate donation checks because you’ve been discharged here. Hasta la vista.”

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Arnold S. NOTE - 18 March

Arnold left a voicemail message today saying how eager and open he is to begin our one on one sessions and hear my feedback, but that I should know it costs $89,000 an hour for his one on one time.   He said he’d wait to receive and cash my check before he makes an appointment, and to make the check out to, "The People's Governor's Non-Special Interest Re-Election Loophole Fund."

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Arnold S. NOTE - 22 March

Arnold left another voicemail message today saying how eager and open he continues to be to begin sessions with me, and was just wondering, theoretically, if I drug tested clients for steroids as part of the intake process.

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Arnold S. NOTE - 24 June

Arnold called, saying he's desperate.  His approval rating is at 34%, one of the lowest California gubernatorial approval ratings in history, and he realizes he needs some help. He asked if I could do a couple's session with him and the people of California, noting they've become more and more distant and irritable with him. "When we first got together, it was so great.  We were so in love.  But, it's just not the same anymore.  I'm not even sure if the people of California want it to work."
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Arnold S. NOTE - 14 July

Arnold called to apologize for not scheduling an appointment, but he has been super busy "furthering the business objectives" of the publisher of a major bodybuilding magazine.  He promised to call next week to set up an appointment because he's still bummed his approval ratings keep dropping.  But, he said his soaring $8 million paycheck he gets to work after hours and on weekends for the publisher was softenening the blow.

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Maria S. NOTE - 14 August

Maria phoned to say she's feeling a little homicidal and hoped I could help her.  She said Arnold's misogyny and his inappropriate sexual conduct and him jumping into bed with every corporation in California was one thing, but the multi-year affair with Gigi G. was more than she could stand.  I am aware of my Tarasoff reporting duties and have no legal choice but to phone Arnold and warn him that his wife wants to kill him, which I did.  He laughed and said, "I know how to take care of puny Maria."  I called the police as well, but they said, "We'd love to help, but gosh we just can't - maybe the fireman or the nurses could help."

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Arnold  S. NOTE - 9 September

Arnold phoned and said he wants to offer free steroids from his personal supply to help the Katrina refugees "get strong," and said he can't come to session because he is busy unloading the warehouse.

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*Um, do I really have to say it here, too? NO, of course I do not really see Arnold in therapy.  Of course it is not ethical or even particularly palatable to officially diagnose or claim absolute clinical impressions of him.  NO, of course I'd never do sessions with or take notes about real clients like this.  And, of course, were these real notes they'd be highly confidential, locked, and you and Charlton Heston would only be able to wrench them from my cold, dead hands.  So relax folks, this is parody, fantasy, make-believe.  In that regard, it is not dissimilar to the acting skills Arnold is using to run the 5th largest economy in the world.  Any similarity to real situations in Arnold's life is purely coincidental and singularly disturbing.