Most Recent Psychotherapy Note
Dick C NOTE - 12 September
After his tour of the Houston shelters filled with Katrina refugees, Dick phoned and said he needed a session - he was having a hard time. I met with him back home in the bunker. He was visibly upset. "Dear God, it was awful. Just awful. I could hardly stand it." He became quiet, trying to compose himself. Those people...all those black people. I..I..I had to shake their hands. I couldn't avoid it. It was awful. I don't care how bad those goddamned poll numbers are, I'm sure as hell never going back there. Condi can go, or maybe we can call back Colin. But I'm never leaving this bunker ever again!"
(To eavesdrop on more members of the Bush Administration in session, click below. Um, if you're already inside, look down.)
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Notes Start Here
Colin P. NOTE - 20 January
Colin's insurance gave the okay for continued post-employment sessions to do grief work re. ouster from job. He was very excited to pitch his proposed book title to his editor, which he did a few days ago: Colin Powell: The Man, The Myth, The Legend. Yesterday, his editor got back to him with a slight edit to the title: How to Get One of the Most Powerful Jobs in the World and Still Manage to Subjugate Yourself Beyond Recognition: A Case Study.
Explore feelings.
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Colin P. NOTE - 20 January Addendum
Colin phoned excited to let me know he thinks this morning's session on increasing assertiveness has already started to help. He called his editor right after he left my office, and the editor made a concession on the title of his book "due to the flexing of [Colin's] new assertiveness muscle." The book is now called: How to Get One of the Most Powerful Jobs in the World and Still Manage to Subjugate Yourself Beyond Recognition: Colin Powell, The Legend.
Consider increasing session frequency.
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George W. B. NOTE - 20 January
Noticed G said the word "freedom" something like 20 times during his 19 minute inaugural speech. It seems evident the concept has a deep-seated, impassioned meaning for him, so I thought asking him to fee associate to it would be fruitful.
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Dick C. NOTE - 21 January
I
need to seek consultation with a colleague re. Dick. I continue to have the willies
when around him, and my urge to run away during our sessions has not
dissipated. I think part of it is having to meet in that underground
bunker. Aside from the wet bar and the bowling lane, and always running into Justice Antonin S. in bowling shoes, it's like a
morgue down there. All that blindfolding and being driven via new routes to and from session every time is not helping matters. I cannot continue to treat him if my feelings do
not resolve.
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John A. NOTE - 21 January
Had my last session with John a few days ago. He
showed signs of having difficulty letting go. He "forgot" his
checkbook and promised to send payment. I just received in the mail
a copy of "Let the Eagle Soar," the song he composed. It was a copy he made on his computer
with an attached note that said, "This will pay in a lifetime of
spiritual dividends the way money cannot." Call John ASAP and demand payment.
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Condoleeza R. NOTE - 21 January
Condi cancelled due to ongoing confirmation hearings. For next session: DO NOT FORGET to give her the Liars Anonymous meeting schedule she keeps asking for.
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George W. B. NOTE - 21 January
G's association to word "freedom" (singing):
"Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose,
uh..blah..er..la,la.. and that's good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la,la, la, la lalalalala."
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All - 21 January
Karl phoned and he and I agreed, seeing the need, I should be on regular retainer for all members of the Bush administration, fitting them in prn.
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Donald R. NOTE - 23 January
Donald's
insurance carrier phoned to say they couldn't read my writing and wanted to double check to make sure it was, in fact, Donald that I was giving the diagnosis
of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to:
* grandiose sense of self
* preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power
* requires excessive admiration
* has a sense of entitlement
* is personally exploitive
* lacks empathy
* shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Gave
the insurance company the go ahead to assign that diagnosis to all my Bush
administration clients - except Colin.
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Dick C. NOTE - 28 January
Call Dick. He had one of his body doubles sit in for him in session today. The double had me fooled for a minute - that is until he forgot himself and smiled and made appropriate eye contact. I briefly considered pretending I didn't know, so I continue doing sessions with the double rather than Dick. But I was able to regroup.
I am, however, going to start Jim, Dick's body double, for sessions "above ground," as the bunker folks call it. He says a lifetime of looking in the mirror and seeing Dick Cheney staring back at him is starting to take its toll.
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George W.B. NOTE - 28 January
Since the election, G's been quite regressed. Excerpt from today's session:
Me: "How was your week?"
George (dismissively): "I don't have to answer that, I have a mandate."
Me: "A mandate?"
George: "Yes. A mandate. I won the election. The people have spoken. They gave me a mandate."
Me (gently): "Help me see how winning a presidential election by the smallest margin in decades is a mandate."
George (stands up and shouts): "A mandate is a mandate is a mandate. And I have a mandate."
Me: "George, I wonder..."
George
(plugging his fingers in his ears and stomping around the room):
"Mandate, mandate, la, la, la, maaaaaaandate. Maaaaaaaaaa..."
Me: "George..."
George: "...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
Me: "George, unfortunately time's up and we have to stop for today."
George: (louder) "...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
Me (walking to the door, opening it, still gently): "See you next week, George."
George (walks out the door with fingers still in ears): "...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
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Condoleeza R. NOTE - 2 February
Return Condi's call before next session: remind her AGAIN a ride in an oil tanker once named after her in exchange for therapy is called "bartering," and is illegal, and that I expect usual payment at our next session.
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George W. B. NOTE - 4 February
Spent the bulk of the session revisiting George's ongoing
request for him to use a teleprompter in our sessions and why this
would not be a helpful therapeutic tool.
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Condoleeza R. NOTE - 6 February
Condi is proving to be a bit different than I had anticipated. Excerpt from today’s session:
Condi (agitated): “Holy
crap, did my day fucking suck. I sat in a stupid-ass staff meeting all
day long with Dick, ‘Mr. Rigor Mortis,' and George, ‘Mr. I Can’t Put a
Fucking Noun and Verb in a Sentence Together without My
Round-the-Clock Staff of Scriptwriters,’ and the rest of those bozos
and talked about - what? tax cuts? gutting Social Security? - flattening Iran? I don't
even know. It's the same mindnumbing shit over and over and
over and over. I'm going to be a monosyllabic idiot before this is all
over. (I
nod empathically.) Get this: at the beginning of the staff meeting
George
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Donald R. NOTE - 9 February
Donald's mood and psychomotor activity were clearly elevated today; he was almost squirmy. He said he and "the boys" were "excited" because they've managed to put funding talks back on the table for the "Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator," the so-called mini-nuke that the Bush administration proposes to use to blow up caves of evildoers.
For next session: explore with Donald why he, along with a group of similarly sagging men, might find the prospect of a long, hard trajectory burrowing deep into a cavernous hole and then exploding with unfathomable power exciting.
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George W. B. NOTE - 9 February
George continues to wear his "Mission Accomplished" flight suit to session. I'm finding it difficult to hear him with his helmet on. He told me
without my asking: "They let me keep it. Really."
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Colin P. NOTE - 10 February
During
session, I had fantasies of gnawing off my arm and beating myself over
the head with it to stay awake which morphed into altogether different
fantasies of:
Not a clue what Colin said.
Dick C. NOTE- 13 February
Both Dick's mood and affect continue to be grossly
restricted, skewed toward the negative. About twenty minutes into the session, I thought I saw a hint of a smile after he said to me, "You suck," but it turned out
it was only that he was about to sneeze.
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Asked G to free associate to "Social Security."
G (drumming on his lap, bobbing his head, and singing):
"Social Security is the enemy of all mankind
The thought of Social Security blows my mind
Handed down from generation to generation
uh...la, la...destruction...
Social Security, hunh,
What is it good for?
Absolutely nuthin. Say it again.
Social Security, (punches air with fist) HUNH,
What is it good for? Aaaabsolutely NUTHIN...
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PSYCHOTHERAPY QUERY LOG – 16 February
Senator
Dianne F. phoned to start therapy. I clarified to her that since she isn’t an
“official” member of the Bush Administration, I can’t see her under
that retainer.
She said we might revisit that at some point, but for now it was no problem, she could pay out
of pocket because she and Richard B., her husband, are about to make
millions from his 24% stock control of URS Corporation, a San
Francisco planning and engineering firm that just landed a cushy Army
contract worth up to $600 million. She explained URS also won another
Army contract that could bring in $3.1 billion during the next eight
years, so there would be plenty more to come.
If I ever start seeing her, ask her to free associate the phrase “conflict of interest.”
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John A. POST-SESSION NOTES - 17 February
I
thought I saw John hanging around outside my office. I found a card
that had been slipped under my door, which confirmed my suspicion. He
clearly waited to give it to me until the day and time of our
longstanding sessions. The card has a cute little cartoon baby cupid
on the front on which John has drawn in a little sash with a felt tip
pen to cover its bare chest along with a pair of binoculars slung over
its shoulder next to the arrows. Inside, the card reads:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Our sessions may be over,
But I’m still watching you.
As a stealth maneuver, he left the card unsigned.
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PERSONAL NOTES - 22 February
Remember to get a new business card holder to put psychotherapy business cards up at post office. Saw private companies Ebay and AOL are advertising/displaying merchandise at post offices now. Knowing the U.S. government would never play favorites or have any backdoor deals, figure it has opened the doors for private companies to do business on government property. (Income generator to offset tax cuts and Iraq occupation debt??) Once established: ask if you can use one of the transaction windows to see clients for quickie therapy sessions. When there, refrain from being therapist who makes "going postal" jokes. Too obvious - you're better than that.
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George W. B . NOTE - 25 February
Yesterday in session I asked George how it felt to have people criticize his proposed budget, saying it could create a deficit we can't recover from. Before I could get all the words out, George began shouting “Code Orange, Code Orange. 9.11, 9.11, 9.11! This went on without interruption and with impressive verve for the entire hour.
In response to that session, Karl faxed me "List #1 of 7" of "allowable" questions I can ask, along with topics that are off limits:
Disallowed Topics, List #1
* Social Security
* current budget proposal
* Iraq and that whole occupation thing
* dictionary definition of "mandate"
* Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator and any psycho-sexual implications
* Ken Lay and any psycho-sexual implications
* anything from George’s past, such as, but not limited to: all the coke snorting and pot smoking and cigarette burning of fraternity pledges and National Guard dodging and business failings
* the pretzel trauma
Allowed questions:
* How’s the pickup truck on the ranch been running this week?
* How 'bout those New England Patriots, huh?
* Looks like rain/a sunny day, doesn't it?
I left Karl a voicemail declining his request and wondering if he doesn’t have me confused with a member of the White House press corps.
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Donald R. NOTE – 28 February
Donald had a tough session. He brought in some recent newspapers that had TV critic reviews of the Department of Defense’s revamped Pentagon Channel.
The channel got reviewed because it has just expanded its audience - it
used to just be just for military families, but it is now available to
the general public: the Department of Defense’s “mix between CNN and
C-SPAN."
The headlines promised rave reviews and Donald was excited to share them
with me. The reviews were in fact all stellar, but it turns out every
reviewer got the program in which Donald is featured giving military
briefings to Congress about the successful occupation in Iraq and then
talking to the Joint Chiefs of Staff about future "war on terror"
strategy confused with an episode of the hit sitcom Arrested Development:
Los Angeles Tribune: “The palpable psychological delay and
absolute insanity of these folks feels so real, yet so far beyond what
you’d think could be humanly possible. The formula continues to work
brilliantly and is parody like you’ve never seen. The scriptwriters on 'Development' are geniuses and have long, fruitful careers ahead of
them.”
New York Morning News: “The mix of fall down laughing comedy and fall down crying human tragedy simply does not get any better than this.”
Chicago Chronicle:
“What’s with the military uniforms this season? And how did they manage
to get Donald R.? A mid-season replacement for Buster, perhaps??
Whatever. This thing is a riot. I laughed until I was sick. Do NOT miss
it!”
Donald said, "The Chicago Chronicle seemed impressed with me."
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Donald R. NOTE - 6 March
Donald brought me a bouquet of poppies today.
They’re lovely. He said the “nice Afghan war lords” told him that
since the pro-U.S. government has been there, the poppy crop has tripled. They keep sending him bunches with the same note, “With
thanks for all you don’t do.”
Looking at the bouquet misty-eyed and choking up, Donald said, "This is what my job's really all about. I... I have such a warm, fuzzy feeling inside."
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PSYCHOTHERAPY QUERY LOG - 14 March
Representative Nancy P. phoned and said she'd heard I’m doing such good work with members of Bush administration, she was wondering if I could do a last minute Assertiveness Skills group for the Democrats in the House of Representatives. They are about to vote on the president’s request for $82 billion to continue the Iraq occupation since that whole thing is going so well and the billions we’ve spent there already is totally accounted for. She said House Democrats have really, really wanted to contact me for months now about a lot of stuff, but when it came time to make the call everybody coughed and looked down a lot and denied they thought it was a good idea until they heard the Bush administration was in therapy, and then they said they thought it was a courageous move that they support 100%.
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George W. NOTE - 22 March
Tentative hypothesis: George’s eagerness to plumb the depths of the Arctic Wildlife Refuge is inversely correlated with his ability to plumb the depths of his conscience.
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Psychotherapy Inquiry Log - 28 March
Maxine D., mother of
Representative Tom D. phoned and said she needed my help. She said the
Schiavo case was the last straw. Apparently, Tom
helped make the very personal and private decision to "pull the plug"
on his father back in 1988 when he was in a vegetative state. She said "there was no way
[his father] wanted to live like that. Tom knew - we all knew - his
father wouldn't wanted to live that way." She wanted to know if I
would facilitate a family intervention because Tom seems to no longer
be able to distinguish fact from fiction or hold himself accountable
in so many areas of his life, and his family is deeply concerned about his psychological state.
It wouldn't be so bad if it were only affecting the family, she said,
but all this lying and hypocrisy is affecting the people entire nation.
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GW Bush NOTE- 17 June
George
came in today saying, "all rehashing of the past is bad." My past is
done, the Downing Street Memo and the obliteration of Iraq is done. He
said he wants to look forward to happier times in the future, like a
military strike on Iran and 100% privatization of Social Security.
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Karl R. NOTE - 14 July
Karl phoned this
morning, asking about my confidentiality policy. I assured him there
was nothing to fear; I have the utmost respect for all my B.
administration clients and keep all of their psychotherapy notes as
confidential as he does, say, the names of any CIA operatives. He cancelled
all my B. administration clients' sessions, saying "a nasty cold is
going around."
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George B. NOTE - 12 August
George came in quite agitated today. He said he’s having a hard time with “that goddamned evil axis woman” Cindy S. camped out down the road from his ranch. He said all he wanted was to have a simple, quiet 5-week vacation, more than any president in U.S. history and was that too much to ask after all he's done for our country?
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Legal NOTE - 15 August
After following through with my legal duty to warn Arnold S. about Maria's intention to kill him (see Arnold S. note 14 August), I thought about my sessions with George and Dick and Donald. I realized that legally I needed to call all the people of Iran and warn them, too. I figure with this admistration at the helm, I'm going to have a huge phone bill with all the people here and abroad I'm going to have to warn.
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Condoleeza R. NOTE - 4 September
Condi phoned and cancelled our session saying, "Sorry, Carol, but they are parading me around the Gulf Coast to show how African American-friendly they are. It's disgusting, but it's my job. One of these days I'm gonna let those insipid, Ivy League, white-assed snobs have it, I swear."
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My appointment book is full, so be sure to stay tuned...
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*Um, do I really have to say it? NO, of course I do not really see any one in the Bush administration in therapy. Of course it is not ethical or even particularly palatable to officially diagnose or claim absolute clinical impressions of them. NO, of course I'd never do sessions with or take notes about real clients like this. And, of course, were these real notes they'd be highly confidential, locked, and you and Charlton Heston would only be able to wrench them from my cold, dead hands. So relax folks, this is parody, fantasy, make-believe. In that regard, it is not dissimilar to a George Bush State of the Union Address. Any similarity to real life situations of those in the Bush administration is purely coincidental and singularly disturbing.
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