rousing the rabble

‘Eat All Your McAfrika Burger, Honey, Because I Have a Funny Feeling There Might Be Starving People Out There Somewhere.’

First Published August 2002, Textbook reprint 2004

McDonald’s recently launched a new burger-in-a-pita product in Norway: The “McAfrika.”

And with this they have inadvertently created a brilliantly succinct metaphor for the increasingly blatant corporate takeover of the Earth - country by McCountry, continent by McContinent. I wonder if McDonald’s, its arches a great, snapping, golden maw, gobbling up one country’s burger market share while digesting a bit of another continent’s culture, created this product to honor the 12 million Africans doing their best to stave off unspeakable famine, or to pay tribute to the millions dying of AIDS, or perhaps to give a nod to the ever-growing numbers left without clean, public drinking water. It’s tough to say.

And I thought Disney putting on an Electricland Parade in California during last year’s blackouts so that all of us Blackouters, intermittently bereft of electricity, could get a little glimpse of gigantic light bulb covered bumblebees was a gauche juxtaposition. At least McDonalds had the decency to do it in Norway, away from all that unappetizing African suffering. Disney did it right here in California. But, nobody said a word about it as far as I can tell; unlike in Norway where some people like the Norwegian Red Cross and Norwegian Church Aid have seen the incongruity. These groups have confronted McDonald’s and met with its representatives to discuss the issue and the possibility of sharing proceeds of its sales with the aid agencies helping Africans. Nothing yet. Maybe you should go to McDonald’s website and email this suggestion to them.

The Politics of Fear

First published October 2002

The first time I heard the now-famous, over-used slogan “either you’re with us or against us,” I thought it was one of the most inane, xenophobic lines I’d ever heard.   Frankly, as an American, I was embarrassed.   I had an incredible urge to write a blanket apology to the people the world over. 

This oversimplification utterly dismisses the complexities of people, societies and their relationships.  Of course I can be ‘with’ my country and still not agree with many of its policies just as I can remain completely loyal to my friends, family and clients even when I think they make incredibly foolish choices, as they do for me. 

But as I thought more about it, I realized it was an absolutely brilliant line exactly because it was meant to encourage people to overlook the complexities of life and think in oversimplified terms, tapping into deep-seated fears.   Someone paid attention in psychology class and I’m thinking it wasn’t C-Student Bush.

Help Wanted: US Government Looking For Qualified Applicants

First published December 2002

The current administration is looking for qualified applicants to fill positions in its new agencies, departments, task forces, offices, appointments, organizations and bureaus spawned from the war on terror. (No. Of course this is not big government. We are a Republican administration. We call it: Operation Never-Ending Small Government.)

Qualifications

• Aging white men, responsible for an assortment of wrongdoings and misconduct in former administrations given top priority.
• Persons convicted of multiple felons involving, say, illegal arm sales to foreign guerillas, let off on technicalities; those involved in egregious corporate transgressions; and human rights violators and individuals considered war criminals by many at home and abroad who were once integral in the preemptive “secret” bombing and killing of millions of civilians in a country in Southeast Asia or in a deadly South American coup that happened on another tragic September 11th in 1973 are welcome to apply. Misdemeanors okay, too.

4th Amendment: RIP

FIrst published November 2002

The 4th Amendment, an unwavering champion of our right to privacy, died on 18 November 2002.  The amendment, adopted by the convention of states on 15 December 1791, was 211.  The 4th tirelessly fought to guarantee that “the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

This Message Brought to You by Cancer, Incorporated

The Elephant in the Room of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

First published October 2002

Here we are in the midst of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And with admirable intentions people wear pink ribbons and buy stamps and walk for the cure. But the people who are walking for a friend, a loved one, or themselves probably don't realize that while breast cancer is the #1 killer of middle aged women in the US, only five percent of the National Cancer Institute's budget goes to prevention research. And other research initiatives, often using taxpayers' money, are primarily focused on researching pharmaceutical drugs. Why?

One reason is money.

Things Related and Not: Rumsfeld, Code Orange and a Duck Billed Platypus

First published October 2002

"Go massive. Sweep it all. Things related and not." This is some of what Donald Rumsfeld was noted as saying to his subordinates after the 9.11 attacks.
As I thought about this for a while I got out my old book on Surrealism. It says, in part: "Surrealism combines seemingly unrelated elements and smashes them together with a demented sense of humor."

Rumsfeld, a Surrealist. I had no idea.

But I think he's influenced by more than just Surrealism. He's got some nihilism and intentional irrationality in the mix it seems to me, so I feel sure he's part Dadaist. And then there's the Absurdism - no need to elaborate there. Gosh, if you add a healthy dose of smugness and more than a smidgen of belligerence you could have yourself a whole new movement: Rumsfeldism. And to think, Surrealism and Dadaism were both a response, in part, to the despair of WWI and its atrocities. How ironic.

In a way, it was a relief hearing about the instructions Rumsfeld gave. Yes, I know, ordering one's minions to sweep "things related and not" - ruining the lives of innocent people, undoing hard-won civil liberties, endangering the future of entire countries - regardless of whether they are related to terrorism or even to anything questionable - and sweeping them into a giant self-serving dragnet is unbelievably repugnant, greedy, ineffective, cruel and shortsighted; but still a relief.

At least now I know they know a lot of what they are doing in the name of combating terrorism or protecting national security or promoting "free and open societies" as stated in new document The National Security Strategy of the United States is, in fact, unrelated, try as they might to spin it otherwise. For a minute there I thought they were drunk from their speechwriters' words, buying into their own BS. Now that I know I'm living under deliberately surreal and irrational dictates, I can stop trying to make sense of things.

Advertising Deregulated

The Inalienable Right to Mislead Millions

First published October 2002

Just a few years ago, the practice of advertising prescription drugs to us common folk was considered unethical. Now days you can hardly watch TV for five minutes without some commercial promising to cure the affliction it encourages you to be worried about. And as the drug companies spend billions each year on advertising, the formerly unethical is now acceptable, ubiquitous.

I have a Master's degree in Mass Communication with a specialization in Advertising from what is considered to be one of the best communication schools in the country. (Not a shred of pride here, believe me.) There we learned that the job of networks is not to entertain people, but to deliver credit card-carrying eyeballs to advertisers. TV shows and their stars are merely the means of transportation. We also discussed the American culture's fear of aging, the need of people to belong, and how the things of consumerism are attempts to fill the void so many of us feel. And while not cited on the syllabus, there was no mistaking that we were to make the most of those fears and those needs - not to mention actually helping to create them - persuading people to buy things they don't need, convincing them Brand X Wrinkle Cream is something they have no hope of living happily without it.

After graduating, I worked as a creative concept developer and copywriter, whoring my writing skills as I helped pimp products to the masses. But as unapologetically manipulative as my job sometimes was, there was always a line drawn in the advertising sand. There were guidelines to strain against, but ultimately follow. And there was an ethic, in my agency at least, of thou shalt not distort the facts beyond recognition and thou shalt be able to look yourself in the mirror after an ad campaign. But that was way back in 1989. And just as ChemLawn renames itself TruGreen: the times, they are a' changing.

Subterranean Mini-Nuke Blues

First published May 2002

No longer is it safe to bury your treasure or your weapons or your head in the sand. Because the National Security Administration is setting up design teams at three nuclear labs - Sandia, Los Alamos, and Lawrence Livermore to explore possible designs for a new nuclear weapon called the “Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator.”

Unlike conventional nuclear weapons, designed to obliterate entire cities, the Robust Nuclear Earth Penetrator will merely demolish parts of cities – specifically underground parts - like hidden foreign storage facilities, command bunkers [No! of course not our bunkered shadow government, silly. Theirs.] It could even hit, say, a basement day care center.