-Pick out condolence cards to send to non-industrialized countries and Iraq. Paul Wolfowitz now heads the World Bank.
-Send congratulations card to Halliburton, as Wolfowitz's appointment will benefit it greatly.
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- Start balancing checkbook for first time in my life so in my cover letter for position to head the World Bank I can say confidently, "Given my sensibilities and experience, I am by far the best candidate for the job."
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- Just sent PBS a case of White Out. With the
funders controlling more and more of the programming (editing
undesirable content, cancelling shows with lesbian moms, etc.) and all
those "tasteful"-but-no-less-a-commercial commercials, they’ve clearly
changed their mission statement. But, rather than spending all that
money changing their entire logo, I figure they can save a few bucks
and just white out the 'P.'
- Get Bert and Ernie's address and offer free help with resume writing - just in case.
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- Was feeling bad that I didn’t get the federal Attorney General job I applied for, thinking I was more than qualified. But, with Gonzalez in and John Negroponte being nominated for National Intelligence Director, I realize I most likely got passed over because I don’t have any solid references from seasoned torturers. Nothing personal.
I feel better now.
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- Send a "Welcome Out of the Closet" card to Karl Rove. He was just
named White House Deputy Chief of Staff now in charge of
coordinating domestic policy, economic policy, national security and
homeland security, as opposed to before when he was "Some Guy, but Maybe Not; Who Knows?" in charge of
coordinating domestic policy, economic policy, national security and
homeland security.
- In the near future, expect swift bill passage making "White House Deputy Chief of Staff" title subtitled with "Ruler of Every Damn Thing," with the entire designation later to be amended to "King Karl" via an unread clause hidden deep in a bill on cat food packaging.
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Vocabulary word audition results for skedaddle:
(What?!?! See "word audition" below.)
No from the bus driver.
Me, smiling big: “Thanks for the ride. Gotta skedaddle.” It's hard
to know these things for sure, but her look said something like: "get
the hell off my bus this minute before I throw your inane, smiling ass
off and then run you over after I've just backed up over you."
No from my friend.
Me, making plans with her: “I was thinking I might do some Tai Chi or
go for a skedaddle after work. So, let’s meet for dinner at, say, 8?”
Friend: “Vocabularium?” Me: “Yeah.” Her: (two thumbs down signs +
furrowed brow)
Mixed from the cute café guy I’m working my way up to asking out.
Me, offhandedly: “I was just thinking…if space and time respond to
the presence of mass energy, then this distortion of spacetime affects
the motion of other cosmic bodies skedaddling in the vicinity of the
resulting time warps, dontcha think?”
Cute guy: (mute, half
smile, perhaps a twitch, clearly weighing consequences of making
anything more than fleeting eye contact)
Yeah, polite applause and all, but thank you, skedaddle, we've heard enough.
Next vocabulary word up to audition: golly
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- Call doctor
and ask if the significant traces of rocket fuel they just found in
California organic lettuce might be why I've been feeling more energetic lately.
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- They just released conclusive tapes of a telephone conversation with Enron electricity traders conspiring to take a power plant off-line the same day as rolling black outs were planned across California. Remember the days of hovering over a frying pan full of burning tampons, my only affordable heat source, and washing dinner dishes in the shower with me to comply with "save a watt" campaign. Reread funny article about it to keep blood pressure low.
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- Apply for federal Attorney General job. DO NOT forget to wear "I ♥ Torture" tshirt to interview. Look up Bush administration's previous Help Wanted ad
to review qualifications. (When find I'm getting annoyed with lack of
hyperlink precision in this blog, remind self scrolling counts as part of the 30
minutes of recommended daily exercise.)
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- Begin hoarding sunscreen and be on the lookout for apartment on higher floor.
- Keep taking public transportation.
- Keep hounding officials to push harder for renewable energy.
- Try not to be self-righteous to the guy who cleans the three cigarette butts off his sidewalk everyday with water hose.
- Save this to send to friends when they're in a good space: (Newly released environmental/global warming predictions from world's leading scientists.)
- Hug nieces and nephews and tell 'em I'm doing all I know how to do.
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- Email Colin Powell. (Remember, you don't know his new address, so just send an email to Condi and have her forward.) They are redoing the street outside my place, and are looking for ways to slow down traffic. Colin's now unemployed, and probably looking for work. Great idea: email him and suggest he submit his resume to the city for a job as a speed bump. He has impeccable prostration skills, and is no stranger to getting run over by people day after day after day. Such extensive direct experience will no doubt put him at the top of the applicant pool. It's win-win: employed Colin, safer roads.
Remember not to overextend my "caretaker" side and my tendency to invest too highly in the outcome of my helpful suggestions to people. Mantra: "You can lead a horse to water..."
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- Ask friends if it's just me, or did George Bush's State of
the Union red tie look like a giant, mocking punctuate mark at the end
of one loooooooooooong-ass buzz-word-filled,
wink-to-the-Christian-far-right, say-good-bye-to-Social-Security,
war-without-end,-Amen smirk?
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- NEVER again listen to the State of the Union Address while operating heavy machinery.
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- Latest vocabulary word up for audition: "skedaddle." Must seemlessly weave auditioning word into conversation on three different occasions with positive or neutral response from conversees. Creativity bonus points if you altar meaning of the word in a pleasing way. If successful, embrace word and use it regularly, entering it into "Carol's Vocabularium." Lobby for usage in general vernacular.
